Habits Of Losers

*Ed note: Kris’ mental health is currently in a distressing state. Read on with caution. You have been warned.

There is something seriously wrong with me. I just don’t know what it is. My motivation levels are at an all-time low, and I have zero desire to do ANYTHING.

Case in point: I have the house to myself, in fact, I’ve had the house to myself since 8am. It is now almost 11:30am. During that time I have done nothing but drink coffee and surf Facebook. (Well, okay, strictly speaking I threw a load of towels in the washing machine, but still.) All in my pyjamas.

I have work piling up. I have lines to memorize for an upcoming play. I have choreography and harmony parts to practice for an upcoming musical. Dishes are piled up in the kitchen. Every surface in this house is littered with CRAP. I can’t remember when I washed my floors last. I am overwhelmed with stuff, and it just seems to keep accumulating.

And yet, all I can do is look at it as I meander through the obstacle course that is my living room and kitchen. I look at the mess, and the words, “I just…can’t.” echo through my brain.

I would post photos, but all I can think is that the appropriate government agencies would be on my ass in a heartbeat if they saw them.

I had a break a little while back — a client postponed her project with me, and instead of booking someone else in that time slot, I thought I’d take advantage of the free time and do some things around the house. Well, I was successful for a couple of days. I gutted my side of the master bedroom, and I worked on my crafting room. I also put a dent into the chaos that is my rec room. My intentions were good, but life shit got in the way, and I spent too many of those days feeling upset and helpless and frustrated…and once again, frozen into inaction.

I am so stuck. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. I can’t move forward. I can’t accomplish anything. And if I’m not careful, I’m going to end up babbling in a corner somewhere, drooling all over myself.

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