Are You My Conscience?

August 19th, 2014

I laugh at Dory’s line in Finding Nemo every time.

It’s a good thing we have these things, consciences, isn’t it? Usually — if they’re working properly — they help to keep us from making fools of ourselves by saying or doing things that we (probably) know we shouldn’t.

(Oh, I know — they usually encounter glitches between the ages of 13 and 19, but that has to be chalked up to *shudder* learning experiences and we just move on from there.)

I find that they create almost a physical sensation, particularly when one is trying desperately to *not* say something. Blurting out something you know you shouldn’t might feel good, almost like a release of tension, but the aftermath and consequences probably won’t be worth it to begin with.

No, scratch that. They *won’t* be worth it. Better to keep one’s mouth shut as tightly as possible and shove the feeling as far down as possible. Maybe so far that it won’t ever even escape. Hey, it might be a pipe dream, but just imagine if it could work…!

So this is me, shutting my mouth, sitting on my hands, and scrunching my eyes shut. Nope, nope, nope.

Not a word from me.

Pull The Trigger

August 6th, 2014

I have a question for you, ye mighty Nets of the Inter –

How do you avoid places and things and scents and tastes that are triggers for your memories?

Particularly when you are surrounded by them. Okay, maybe surrounded is too strong of a word, but when triggers rise up at you from around many a corner, how do you deal?

Other than the really simplified, impossible answer of “Move away.” (’Cause that ain’t gonna happen anytime soon.)

Locking oneself inside one’s house isn’t really an appropriate answer, either. Because, you know, reasons.

(Although, tangentally, it did occur to me that with the right set of circumstances, I could stay inside the house quite happily, like the introvert I am, until the solitude does wacky things to my brain. But I digress.)

Maybe I need a Sherlockian mind-map sort of thing, where I can file such easily-triggered memories away, to be retrieved at such time as I really want to experience them again. Sounds like an awfully appealing idea, if you ask me.

Just — For The Love Of Pete — Say No!

August 5th, 2014

I learned quite some time ago that I am a stress eater. (And to clarify, no, that does not mean I can eat stress. It means that my way of coping with stress is to shove calories down my gullet.)

Thankfully, the rest of the fam finished off the potato chips that were in the house. But there’s still ice cream and gummy bears waiting to be eaten. And I am trying my DAMNEDEST to stay away from the kitchen. Even though my tummy is rumbling and teasing me with thoughts of sugary dessert-type items.

GAAAAAAAAH!

I want to LOSE some weight, not GAIN more. *headdesk*

For now, I have won this battle. Because once I post this blog entry, I am going straight to bed. No detours through the kitchen. No more calories will be entering my body tonight.

Tomorrow, however, is another goddamned day. And while today’s battle is over, there’s still the war with which to contend.

Give me strength. :P

Darkness Falls Across The Land…

August 2nd, 2014

Nighttime is the worst, isn’t it? Left to your own devices, with only your thoughts to keep you company. Almost enough to make me wish that days were longer and nights were shorter.

Waiting and watching and thinking…

Not really the way to maintain one’s sanity.

Seeking Fortune Teller; Apply Within

August 1st, 2014

I wish crystal balls were real. Having access to one that worked would be a definite asset when one is faced with a decision or a choice to make.

Wouldn’t it be great if, when you got to a difficult crossroads in your life, all you had to do was whip out your magical, future-predicting crystal globe and ask whether Choice A or Choice B was the better one, and have the recommended path foretold for you?

Yeah. I know, I know. It doesn’t work that way. Life’s all about consequences and learning to deal with disappointment, suffering and loss, and growing stronger because of it.

That doesn’t make figuring out you chose the wrong path a long time ago any less easier to accept and be resigned to.

Hm. I just had a thought. What if you got a set number of chances — say, three, because it’s a common number in magic and fairy tales — where you were allowed to see the future and ask for direction? Having a finite number of uses would make most people think carefully about when and where they wanted to use it, wouldn’t it? (That has story possibilities written all over it…)

Again, I know. There’s no use wishing for something that doesn’t exist. It can’t happen, so it’s better to make the best of a not-so-good lot. *shrug*

Still, I’m keeping my ears and eyes open. So if you come across anything I might be able to use, let me know…

Ball ‘O Stress

July 31st, 2014

I wish I was one of those people who can harness stress and anxiety in their lives and put it toward something productive.

Instead, I want to curl up in a ball on my couch and eat junk food. I am, too, fully aware that following such path is a bad idea — for my weight and my sanity — so I am trying to force myself to be like my ideal and do the opposite.

I have so much anxious and nervous energy in me right now that, if I could harness it, I’m sure I could do a hundred different tasks around the house today alone. But as it stands, I’m caught in this loop of aborted-starts and highs and lows — and I can’t quite convince myself to focus my brain elsewhere.

It’s probably time to remember Tim Allen’s character’s quote from Galaxy Quest — Never give up, never surrender! — and just continue trying to put one foot in front of the other.

Even Harder

July 30th, 2014

You know that thing I mentioned before about swirling maelstroms?

Yeah.

The thing we don’t always realize — or expect — is that those storms usually get worse before they get better.

I have to say I’m so freakin’ tired of hanging on with my fingernails. Let the storm break. Please?

Hard

June 11th, 2014

It’s hard to be the anchor.

You know, the solid, unmovable hunk of metal that keeps the ship from drifting away?

Yeah. That.

It’s not so bad when there’s only one small, spiraling current pulling at you; it’s easy to stand your ground and maintain the status quo.

But when there are two, or even three, of those whirling maelstroms whipping life around you into a fury and threatening to tear you from limb to limb… well, those are the days you dig in your heels and spit out a short prayer to whomever the hell is in charge of piling crap on your head.

Some days it almost feels like it would be better to just let go of that chain, let the boat be sucked away. Let yourself be torn asunder and drowned in the murky waters below.

Or you eat more chocolate and ignore the feeling of your clothing getting tighter.

*shrug*

The latter is, I would think, less painful. And tastier.

Dafuq?

March 2nd, 2014

Son of a beehive cheez doodle.

Let me just say that life went to hell in a handbasket at the end of January. My kidlet ended up in the hospital for three weeks, and my life got flipped-turned upside-down.

(She’s okay, so no real cause for concern.)

However, the beginning of my 2014 kinda sucked dead bears. The only good thing is that I have another novella in a new Bat Collective anthology; I’ll get a link posted before another month goes by. :P

It’s taken me ages to get back into my normal home routine; it will take even longer before I can produce another piece of writing. I apologize in advance for the lack of new verbiage. I will add more as soon as is humanly possible.

Sorry I’ve sucked. I didn’t mean to. I’ll try to suck less in the upcoming days.

Please come back again. I’d rather not beg. :/

Giving It Another Shot

January 18th, 2014

I am trying to figure out if I’m deficient somehow. I have tried to come up with myriad types of “organization” methods…and not a single one has worked so far. I don’t know what the problem is; whether I’m delusional in my attempts or it’s simply that none of these is a right fit for me, ergo, they all fail.

I am surrounded by clutter and chaos and I don’t know how to tame it and/or deal with it. I’m trying to convince myself that I have to focus on one small part of the mess at a time — trying to view the big picture just makes me hyperventilate. But even then, I don’t have a clue as to where to start. I look at my living room (for example) and think, well, these things all need to go in places X, Y and Z… but X, Y and Z need to be reorganized before the extra items from the living room will even fit…

Really, it just makes me want to curl up in a corner with a bottle of Peach Schnapps and cry. Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I have to remind myself that there are no quick fixes. This chaos did not truly appear overnight; it will take time to get it under control. I just hope my sanity lasts until then.

Do you have any tips for taming the household beast? :(