Maybe I Will…

October 31st, 2016

…remake myself. A new, different, revised version. One that maybe won’t use this blog anymore. Maybe I’ll start over. Maybe I can do that when the six-year-old child has graduated high school and is moving out of the house (Christ, that thought makes me sad…). Maybe then. Maybe by then the young people in this family who suffer and hate themselves and self-harm and fight demons in their heads will have found help and healing and peace and serenity.

I don’t know.

Once upon a time I thought I wanted to tell stories. Draw pictures on pages the way my favourite authors did (and still do).

Now I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m getting old. My own health is in question. I have no more energy. The younger, the prettier, the brighter…they have the upper hand.

Maybe I will quit.

Or maybe I won’t. I guess time will tell.

Never Fails…

June 24th, 2016

Me: I’m going to blog about something tonight!

*goes to blog*
*logs in*
*stares at blank screen for fifteen minutes*
*logs out*

*sighs*

Habits Of Losers

March 16th, 2016

*Ed note: Kris’ mental health is currently in a distressing state. Read on with caution. You have been warned.

There is something seriously wrong with me. I just don’t know what it is. My motivation levels are at an all-time low, and I have zero desire to do ANYTHING.

Case in point: I have the house to myself, in fact, I’ve had the house to myself since 8am. It is now almost 11:30am. During that time I have done nothing but drink coffee and surf Facebook. (Well, okay, strictly speaking I threw a load of towels in the washing machine, but still.) All in my pyjamas.

I have work piling up. I have lines to memorize for an upcoming play. I have choreography and harmony parts to practice for an upcoming musical. Dishes are piled up in the kitchen. Every surface in this house is littered with CRAP. I can’t remember when I washed my floors last. I am overwhelmed with stuff, and it just seems to keep accumulating.

And yet, all I can do is look at it as I meander through the obstacle course that is my living room and kitchen. I look at the mess, and the words, “I just…can’t.” echo through my brain.

I would post photos, but all I can think is that the appropriate government agencies would be on my ass in a heartbeat if they saw them.

I had a break a little while back — a client postponed her project with me, and instead of booking someone else in that time slot, I thought I’d take advantage of the free time and do some things around the house. Well, I was successful for a couple of days. I gutted my side of the master bedroom, and I worked on my crafting room. I also put a dent into the chaos that is my rec room. My intentions were good, but life shit got in the way, and I spent too many of those days feeling upset and helpless and frustrated…and once again, frozen into inaction.

I am so stuck. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. I can’t move forward. I can’t accomplish anything. And if I’m not careful, I’m going to end up babbling in a corner somewhere, drooling all over myself.

…*crickets*…

February 29th, 2016

I feel like every time I open up WordPress to write a blog post… my mind goes blank. I have no idea what to say that doesn’t sound self-pitying and whiny.

Life is testing me right now. I don’t know why, but it is. I suppose there’s some sort of lesson I’m supposed to learn. I wish there was a way to get an explicit sign of some sort. A big neon arrow that says, “Yup. This is it. This. Make *this* different in your life, and everything will get better.”

Nothing is that easy. If it was, everyone would do it, and the world would be a happy place, full of unicorns and rainbows.

Yeah. Something like that.

Where Did It All Go?

February 22nd, 2016

Was life once really that carefree? That easy? That untainted by fear and anger and illness and stress?

It doesn’t seem possible.

Maybe all those things were there after all, and it was just easier to ignore them; pretend the cries and howls were nothing more than the wind, the shrieks and barks nothing more than the branches knocking against the window.

I have no idea what to do with myself. I think I have forgotten how to create.

To Wit

December 27th, 2015

I measure myself by my failures, not by my successes.

I suppose it should be the other way around, wot?

Too Much

November 17th, 2015

There is too, too much anger happening in the world right now.

So much.

I am currently feeling very strongly about wanting to stop this damn planet and get the hell off of it. Social media is rife with all things BAD. And I just can’t deal at the moment.

You know, I can only wonder what would happen if, instead of spewing anger and hatred at every turn, those fearful, hateful individuals used that energy for good, peaceful things, instead. Wouldn’t the world be a wonderful place, if that were to happen?

I am torn between wanting to create, and wanting to just go curl up into a ball in my bed and hide under the blankets for the rest of, well, forever.

So bloody, freakin’ tired. God. Damn. It.

I Am Alive

November 12th, 2015

Despite rumours to the contrary.

Wow. Have I really not blogged since, like, September?

Man, I suck.

I have to admit, Gentle Readers, that ol’ Kris’ creative life has been frozen in a soul-sucking vortex that is not allowing for any new and wonderful words to flow from her fingertips. :(

Not only has my real life been ridiculously busy with work, there have been numerous health issues — of both the physical and mental — affecting clan Starr. To tell you the truth, folks, there are days when it’s all I can do to just hold on with my very fingertips.

It’s frustrating as fuck to see your offspring suffering and not be able to do a damn thing about it. I think I’ve cried more tears in the last few weeks than I have in the last few years put together.

So. I want to get back on that yarn-spinning bicycle, but pain, frustration, anger, and exhaustion hold me back. And, to put it coldly and bluntly, more royalty cheques would be awfully nice, too. But you don’t get paid if you don’t write anything. Damn that conundrum.

I sincerely and truly hope that one of these days I will have the energy and enthusiasm for putting something down on-screen. As hard and as stressful as writing can be, I miss the joy of creating, of telling tales, and playing God a little bit. I promise you I’ll get something out there sooner, rather than later.

Maybe simply for my own sanity’s sake.

Life Lesson #503

September 6th, 2015

Don’t let your brain take charge of you.

No, seriously. If your brain is anything like mine, it will have the tendency to obsess, dwell on, focus on, and fixate on the most ridiculous and unhelpful things *ever*, to the detriment of everything else important in life.

Obsessing will not keep your house clean.

Dwelling will not let you memorize your lines for your upcoming play.

Focusing will not let you enjoy times with your family that would otherwise be pleasant.

Fixating will not let you move ahead in life. How can you, when you’re stuck on a hamster wheel?

I fucking hate my brain sometimes. Maybe tomorrow I just need to shut off the Internet and force myself to do other things. Accompanied by loud music. And calorie-burning activities.

Stupid Brain

July 22nd, 2015

I hate it when you’re having a good day, and then you happen to drive by a place that is meaningful in some way, shape, or form, and your day is flipped, turned upside-down (thank you, Will Smith). It’s too much to say that the day is “ruined”, because it isn’t, but you are left with a flood of memories both beautiful and bittersweet, and melancholy thoughts that linger for many kilometers afterward…